My story and letter to the world:

Today my daughter said to me “Mom look how good I am with babies!! See, you should have just kept Ben. I could have helped you be a mom!” She is 10 years old. We had people over with their kids and one was very fussy and my daughter started talking to him and playing with him. He laughed and laughed. There were other people around and all their eyes turned to me. And the strength that I had to muster up in that moment is equal to the strength I had when giving birth to my son.

Rewind to the beginning.

I met the potential families, my daughter met them too. I let her help pick a family. We just clicked and it felt good. I trusted them and they obviously cared about me and my daughter. So we continued meeting and things just got better. I kept waiting for the bad part everyone talked about. I had friends that supported me. I had a new family that actually loved me! Those feelings were amazing. I had Ben in September, with his adoptive parents with me the whole time. The hardest part was watching them immediately after I delivered, crying tears of joy and they had waited years for this. I cried too. To my surprise, they saw how broken I was in that hospital bed, bloody, broken and unable to move. My sons new father had come to comfort me and hold my hand. He came to cry with me and thank me. So did my sons mother. Look how amazing they were.

It has been almost a year. I still look at him and cry, I always will. I voiced my sadness a few times about feeling left behind and I was given some advice. Maybe you should reach out, maybe they don’t know. Well maybe, I thought. I know they were very busy. I text occasionally and try and get together. Don’t get me wrong I will always love them, they are amazing parents and we picked the right family for him. They are good people and never meant me any harm. There is a harsh reality in my story. Knowing that my son has great parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends is what I wanted. He will have a college fund and be raised to be a good man. I hope he doesn’t blame himself and think he wasn’t good enough. He is, he is perfect and he is my son. I made the ultimate sacrifice that gave him life in exchange for half of my own.

Adoption is amazing and terrifying. Every emotion known to you is felt all at once. Remember your goal and don’t get lost. Follow your heart. There is no right or wrong sometimes. There are good people out there, you just have to find them. If you need help before or after, it’s there. We all need it sometimes. I was blessed with an amazing social worker who keeps in touch a year later and asked me to write this. I wish there were more people like her. Maybe you can help find them.

I seriously have no idea what I would do without my family, but especially my parents. Some may not know, but about 18 years ago, the two of them already had adopted three kids, one of them being my younger biological sister and they were done. Then my mom tracked me down after finding out I was still in the foster care system so my sister and I could visit and get to know one another. A few months later they sat me down and told me they wanted me too, and being almost 14, this was not common AT ALL. Not to mention I’d been told for years, by different foster families the same thing but it never happened so being the smart ass I was, told them I’d heard the same thing before and the outcome was always the same. No one wanted a teen about to age out of the system. But they were the first to keep their promise and I’m more than thankful they did. I owe everything I am and everything I have to these two. I know, without a doubt I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. I am beyond blessed to have the family I have, and have accomplished all I have because of the guidance, support, and opportunities they provided. Through all the ups and downs (there were a lot of them and I’m sure will be more) they were there every step of the way- to support me, chew my ass and set me straight when I needed it, pick up the pieces if I needed it, and always made sure I knew how much they loved me, regardless. I can really only hope that I am even a fraction of the parents you two have been and continue to be. I can always go to you with the good stuff AND the bad and know that you will always be there- whether it’s to lend a hand or just listen. I love you both more than words can ever say and am so thankful for the commitment you made to me all those years ago, and all that you do for us. Thank you so much for everything you do and have done- I am beyond thankful. we love you.